On The Medium Of Television

I have been approached in a professional manner via The U.S. Post Office to record my thoughts and opinions on the current state of the television industry. The Nielsen Corporation is one of our country's most highly-esteemed surveyors of trends in American television broadcasting. And without bragging, I will let you know that this is not the first time they have come to me for my input regarding the future of this largely small medium.

Last night, after finishing up some private matters, I turned on the set in the living room and while giving it time to warm up, prepared myself a Classic White Wine Spritzer: 1/2 cup club soda to 1 cup of wine, with peach schnapps added for flavor. (I enjoy light wine spritzers when performing tasks that require full use of my faculties and reflexes, like giving a speech, driving a car, or recording my thoughts in my new Nielsen diary.)

As most of my time is occupied with literature and the visual arts, it had been quite a while since I focused my critical eye on the old "idiot box" -- and once I did readers, I was alarmed at what I saw. Half-naked teenagers from New Jersey cursing and screaming... half-naked housewives with duck-like facial deformities cursing and screaming… And worst of all, the sordid story of a sociopathic prostitute and her silicon-filled rear-end, in which once-noted athlete Bruce Jenner has somehow become involved.

I began pressing the channel changer with such pressure and ferocity that I became seriously concerned I could have done permanent damage to the soft pads of my thumb and index finger. On each and every channel there was someone burping.. Or walking backwards.. Or sexually gratifying themselves on the rooftop of a moving car.. Or eating a bug, or flinging dung.. I couldn't believe it. It was a real eye-opener.

And then finally I came across what I believe was the Turner classic movie channel, my favorite. Judging by the script and costuming, it was an old sci-fi B-movie from the 1950s and while the dialogue was juvenile and trite, I absolutely adored the smart red dress the actress was wearing! The character on the screen was called "Ann Romney" and she was playing the role of the President's wife or secretary on the eve of an alien invasion from outer-space, which was coming to earth to destroy marriage and families, as best I could tell. The movie was called "A Republic of Convention" and I tried staying awake to catch the name of the dressmaker (whom, were it not for the picture being such a low-budget affair, I would bet was famed designer Edith Head) but I fell asleep quickly and didn't make it to the end.

Perhaps it's best that your writer stick with her inclinations toward literature and the visual arts, and leave the television to other types of people!