I am further relieved to learn that all legal charges against me have been dropped following my completion of seven weeks of light community service and my letter of apology having been published in last Sunday's newspaper. The offending post "On Thanksgiving" has since been removed from the site and we again apologize to all whose lives were torn asunder as a result of the facts, photos and opinions printed therein.
Now then, won't you join me in making another fresh new start, again?
This morning as my housekeeper Kacka was coming down off her work ladder, I noticed she was crying as she began begging me to share my picks for the "The Best of 2012" - at least that is what I think I understood through her thick Kharkiv accent. And yes, she was right. What better way to waltz back into the web that with a warm and well-meaning evaluation of the previous year.
So before sending Kacka upstairs, I had her bring me a notepad and a pen and I began to think deeply. How could I make this list stand apart from all the others that clog the blogosphere? After much meditation, I came up with the novel notion of listing twelve items (in a nod to '2012') rather than the bourgeois ten that comprise most year-end lists. So, readers, here it is:
Evelyn Montford's Twelve Best of 2012
Mermaids made a big comeback in home decor this year as visitors to my two and a half baths must certainly have noticed. Homemakers who were still featuring seashells as points of decoration in their lavatories simply looked a fool.
Having never been a big fan of rum, in 2011 I would have balked at the notion that I would be drinking rum all day and night for months on end in 2012, but the cheerful cherry flavor of this product had me doing precisely that throughout the spring, summer and fall months of the past year.
10. Giving Up Trains.
Drawing a line in the sand sometimes gets a bad rap from the younger generation, but I'll never forget the sun-dappled Sunday this past April when I looked in the mirror and told myself aloud that I would never again travel by rail. Trains have simply lost all sense of romance and mystery. It's been a good 14 years since I last fell in love on a locomotive, and at least 3 since I was involved in a murder while traveling by train. And let's face it readers, the less landscape and architecture one encounters on these shores nowadays, the better off one will be. Never again.
9. An act of revenge.
8. Coromandel.
Following the violent end to my career within the perfume industry, I swore off all perfumes (and even eau de toilettes) for so very painful were the memories. I knew that if ever I returned to the world of fragrance, it would take a strong, well-built oriental to get me back. As it happens, Coromandel was just that oriental. It only goes to show that one must never say never, unless it has to do with modes of travel.
7. Amazon Prime.
As the world becomes more irritating, it's nice to have one company doing everything it can to keep us locked away in our homes. Amazon Prime ensures free second day delivery on thousands of products ranging from romance novels to energy boosters, all right to one's front door for a small monthly fee. That fee also allows streaming access to thousands of movies one never quite knew one wanted to see.
6. Colorful Cowboy Hats and Chrysanthemums.
It was wonderful to see both of these make a clever return to ladies' fashions last year.
5. Opinions.
Opinions were all the rage in 2012, and nearly all of them were adorably hysterical. If in the past year you weren't writing a book or being interviewed on television or in papers about "this, that and the other", you might want to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you have a problem with dope or sedatives. Are prescription sedatives holding you back from shouting opinions all over the place? If the answer is yes, then get the help you need and get out there and let everyone know just what you think about everything.
4. Advised by legal counsel to delete entry #4.
3. "Fight With Me" by Kristen Proby.
Proby returns with the best book of the "With Me" series, in your writer's humble opinion. I adore Nathan and don't think he will ever leave Julianne, despite his rough past as a former UFC Fighter and all of the badboy tattoos underneath his conservative business suits. The book cover is adequately varnished so that in the event a cocktail is spilled, a cotton blend handkerchief can wipe away the spill without damaging the erotic cover art.
2. Johnny Harris.
Whether one is in the mood for a steak with family, a salad with former friends, pulled pork alone, or a half-dozen Highballs while in the company of a controversial paramour, Johnny Harris has it covered. I must confess that Johnny Harris has spoiled me to the point that now I refuse to patronize any establishment that doesn't have a back door, bow ties on the wait staff, and a dimmer switch in the lounge.
1. Private.
